I'm deeply hurt 'cause of the things that have happened today.

OK, so I've successfully broken ties with Lennart, Jessa, Nicole, Ethel, and to Hugo. I thank God for sending Giselle to be my comfort, because I teared up when she asked me to confide about everything that happened. Since I rarely do so to anyone, I felt relieved. The point is that I'm misunderstood. And ironically, neither Lennart or Jessa understands that the former had to post as his status on Facebook that I should be damned for "not seeing the good side" and being "so selfish only thinking of yourself". He added that I'm too much of a pessimistic, but let's get back to reality.  

Guess who was on his side every time he broke up with his dear girlfriend? Guess who was on his side when he pretended to commit suicide? Guess who was on his side when the whole world was against him? Guess who was on his side when life threw lemons at him? Guess who was on his side when he was yearning to change? ME. 

Now: Guess who needs to return the favours back? Guess who needs console from a friend whom I thought would make me feel a bit better? Guess who searches for attention just for myself not to feel alone? Guess who silently asks the hint of chances of being his comfort as much as possible? Guess who is carrying the burden of rejection? Guess who wants to know how to be a human being who has to have somebody to rely on? ME. 

And he dubs me as "selfish" for shunning myself away from his lot just to make things better; for trying to give myself a space where I can only help myself; for having these endless thoughts of every untimely rejection and emptiness he shows to me; for speaking the fact that he has never, ever, felt myself a bit better; for regretting I shouldn't have befriended him at the first place; and for preaching that I don't belong to his lot because I'm ugly and fat? How narrow indeed! 

What I'm longing for is he—even just he—comforting me some time and not to display affection with his girlfriend in public when I needed his console the most! Haven't I done enough to express that I'm carrying this deep burden inside? Haven't I done enough to fulfill his satisfactions? Haven't I done enough to embarrass myself just to fit in in his lot?

Well, I definitely thought he would understand and care even once upon a time for me!

I may have called Nicole a "user" but with different definition, but Ethel and Hugo are there to stand up for her...

butt the multi-millio dollar question is...


...who stands up for me?

I'm seeing reindeer

There aren't any interesting things going on so I'm clinging to David Archuleta's music for a while. He's a Mormon, so that makes him more desirable aside from his gospel-oriented songs and inspiring memoir written last year.

Eleven days to Christmas and Lennart still doesn't have any clue of what I am feeling and going through! I expected him to console me, to say the least, but he's busy displaying affection with his girlfriend in public especially in our classroom. Oh dear, I wish I had anybody whom I could rely on, not somebody whom I should wait forever for nothing. Maybe he's not actually the type of friend who could make me happier, but maybe the type of friend who forgets a friend bearing a big cross behind his or her back.

I miss my former life. I wish I was happier. Wait, I did say that the other day.

More revelations

I wish Mother knew that I heard all their conversation with Father on the phone last night. Owing to the fact that I slept at seven in the evening, I was full awake in the midnight when I heard Mother sobbing over the phone. Don't even bother asking why, but they always do that. The last time I remember clearly is four years ago when Father was drunk and dared to phone Mother then at a slip of tongue he said he was living with another woman. That caused Mother to gave both of them a surprise visit on Singapore. However, I shall not discuss more about it anymore, but the lesson I learnt is that Father was and is still sometimes a daredevil in disguise (He'll kill me if he he gets to read this entry, I'm pretty sure).

Unfaithful

Little did I know that it's Willy's birthday today! I actually greeted her at school this morning, by the way, and I also did the same on her Facebook. It's still clear as crystal clear the times when Lloyd and I would make jokes about her, and she'd not take them seriously. That's what I like about her. Not to say that she seems gullible or some sort, but because she knows how to distinguish a joke and an insult received from any type or person. And it is also Lynn's bithday! Do you remember Lynn? Perhaps you will if you can recall that she hung out with my lot on the 21st of December. Anyway, she's such a good singer.

My former classmates during grade school dropped by at SACS simply to sell tickets for their school's Christmas concert or something of that nature. I bought one for their profits' sake, but I guaranteed them that I honestly could not go because of hectic schedule. Better luck next time, Kristine!

Honestly, I can't think anymore of any reasons why December isn't going well at any rate. Another jinx, perhaps?

Wish

I wish I was happier.

Mess

OK. December started with a mess. Thank fuck, as I had no clue what did I do to jinx the beginning of this month.There are 24 more days left to Christmas and I haven't saved any money yet. Maybe I'll succumb myself to mediocrity again in buying gifts for my friends these holidays.

Nothing much happened except that Miss Mary really wanted me to join for the press conference. I declined, but I ended up in the armchair writing a feature article. Miss Mary and I had a brainstorming thereafter, and she decided to keep the not-too-pleasing article rather than having me rewrite it tonight.

The only problem for tonight is that I'm feeling feverish, and that I still have an editorial to do. I swear to Buddha I'm not really vying to join the press conference. I would pass my spot to Ushabelle if only I could.